How to be the perfect wedding guest

Weddings used to make me nervous.  The ceremony was inexplicably spent quivering in my stilettos, even when I was just a lowly guest, with no duties to perform apart from not wearing jeans and keeping upright for most of the day. I’m not entirely sure what all that was about, but 1000 (or something like that) weddings later and I’ve got this wedding guest shit down. Here’s a few tips I’ve picked up along the confetti lined way:

1. Don’t wear white, or cream or anything that looks like something a bride would wear, you witch. We get it. You were late night cruising on ASOS and saw the dress of your dreams. But wait, they only had it in white. Listen to your guts, if you have to text your friends asking if they think it’s OK, then it probably isn’t. Come the day of the wedding the women folk will whisper about you behind your (swathed in white chiffon) back, they will not be saying nice things. Just wear that old pink shift dress at the back of your wardrobe, add a statement necklace, nobody cares.

2. It’s not about you. Whaaat?! Julio, your Spanish lover dumped you weeks before the wedding. A wedding is basically an 11 hour outpouring of unbridled love and emotion and it can make anyone question their life, especially if there’s an empty seat next to you at dinner, but that’s no excuse to go running dramatically to the bathroom as soon as the DJ spins, ‘Hero,’ and that 21st gin and tonic hits your system. Smile, dance and don’t make it about you. Save your tears for tomorrow when nobody’s watching.

3. Go easy on the sauce. My favorite part of any wedding is when the pictures are getting taken and the Prosecco flows like champagne. Those little bubbles work the blood stream like a charm. Befriend the people pouring the drinks, they have all the power. Have 4 glasses to really get the party started but then go easy on the wine at the table, alternate your drinks with water, it’s going to be a long day and you don’t want to be that crazy lady crumbing to her knees during Dancing Queen.

4. In my experience there’s two types of food at weddings. Dry food and amazing food. If it’s the former then, unlucky, just eat as much as you can and think of it as stomach lining for all that booze you’re going to be consuming.  Don’t dare utter a word of complaint at the table, the distant relatives have ears.

5. Know the format. A lot of my initial wedding fear came from the fact I didn’t know what to expect. They might be the zaniest couple on the planet, with unicorns for bridesmaids and hula hoops for wedding bands, but guaranteed, the day will probably shape up like this.. standing around chatting a bit awkwardly, ceremony, they do photos ( while you drink prosseco and eat nibbles) you are ushered to sit down, they come in and you clap, speeches, you clap, eat, take selfies, tables cleared away, things may start to get hazy, cake, they dance, you dance, hot snacks come out of nowhere, you dance around them, you can’t find your bag, someones crying, time for bed.

6. Take flat shoes in your bag. Put them on when people start slurring, nobody will notice and you’l be able to dance free from pain for hours, it will be glorious.

7.Don’t sleep in your car. Just make proper plans to get home and don’t be sloppy getting on the organised buses. I’m not the only person this has happened to, OK.

8. Have a bloody great time. In this often dark and murky world, weddings are a day to cut loose and be joyous. The celebration of two beautiful souls who have found love is something to be really happy about, and hey, they like you enough to invite you to their wedding so you can’t be that bad either.

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